Imago dialogue therapy

Effective communication in a romantic relationship is one of the best predictors of relationship longevity and satisfaction. Couples who have a difficult time working through problems and expressing feelings through language will not be as happy as those who do. When couples find themselves constantly feeling unheard and unimportant, they come to couples counseling to learn better ways of communicating.

Most marriage and family therapists learned through school about Imago dialogue. This is a form of communication where each partner is intentional about how they speak to one another. The intentionality behind this way of speaking makes each partner feel heard, respected, and accepted. There are three main steps in Imago Dialogue: mirroring, validation, and empathy. We will discuss each of these in detail below.

Get comfortable, relax

The first task for the couple is to create an environment where horizontal communication can occur. Horizontal communication puts each partner in an equal position to one another. This is best done by having each partner sit next to the other and maintain steady eye contact. Once the couple is seated comfortably, facing one another, and maintaining eye contact, they can take a few slow, deep breathes. This will help each partner relax before engaging in dialogue.

Step one—mirroring

The first partner will begin by expressing her point of view about the problem to the other. When the speaker finishes, or the listener asks for a pause, then the listener will summarize what their partner has just said. If the listener got it wrong, he will ask his partner to repeat. The listener can say something like the following: “if I heard you right, you said…” or “I am not sure I understood all that, could you say it again?” Once the speaker has said everything she wanted to say and the listener has accurately mirrored what the speaker said, then the couple can move on to step two.

Step two—validating

Validating happens when the listener tells the speaker that what she has just said makes logical sense. If there is anything that doesn’t make sense, then the listener will relay that information to the speaker and have her repeat it again until it makes sense. The listener can validate the speaker by saying things like the following: “what you have just said makes sense to me because…” or “I can see where you are coming from because…”

Step three—empathizing

In this final step, the listener makes an attempt to connect with what the speaker is feeling. For instance, the listener might say “I think you are feeling very sad by this whole situation.” We want to create a safe space for our partner to feel and express their emotions without judgement. Communicate to your significant other in your own way that you are accepting of their emotions and that your relationship is a safe place to express them.   

Once this process has transpired, then it’s the listener’s turn to be the speaker. Imago dialogue can be done any time there is a problem or emotion that needs to be addressed. This manner of conversation may feel clumsy at first, but after exercising the imago skill, it will become more natural.